


memories of a life (that's been loved)

by hazthecoconut



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Baby, Family, Leukemia, M/M, Mother!Harry, Mpreg Harry, Sadness, depressed!louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 11:54:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10830762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazthecoconut/pseuds/hazthecoconut
Summary: one life ends, another begins





	memories of a life (that's been loved)

**Author's Note:**

> hello,  
> i am very sorry if its rude to write about jay's death but... i just had the idea and im so sorry.  
> i miss jay and i don't think i won't get emotional while writing this.  
> but i just had the idea... and yeah so... don't hate me please :(

_He stroked his hand over the sheets,_

_goosebumps on his skin as he remembered_

_that those sheets once were the ones she always was tucked into._

_Tears in the corners of his eyes as her voice was in his ears,_

_singing a soft lullaby about being loved_

_and never forgotten._

 

_He turned his head to look at the walls_

_which he once called_

_**home**._

 

_._

 

_It was a Tuesday. He will never forget that day. The day that he never saw coming. The day he always was scared of._

 

''Haz, I'm home!'', Louis' loud voice echoed through the house. He had a big, fat smile on his face. His day was awesome, just beautiful. He couldn't wait to come home to his husband and tell him all about it. Louis always was a very happy person, very much a literal sunshine on two legs running around. 

He put his bag on the chair and slipped off his shoes. The jacket he was wearing left his upper body and he looked around. Where was his husband?

''Hazza?'', he asked again. He shrugged. _Maybe he's taking a nap_ , he thought to himself. Harry was always very sleepy but ever since he got pregnant, it was ten times worse. But he was okay with that. He and Louis had wanted a family ever since they started dating back in summer 09. And after six years of being together and being married for nearly three years now, it finally worked out for them.

Louis walked into the bedroom, hoping he would find a peacefully sleeping Harry with a hand on his bump that had been obviously forming more now in his fifth month. He loved his-

''Harry'', he gasped when he saw his husband sitting on the bed, a phone in his hand and a thousand of tears running down his cheeks. He looked at him confusedly.''Hey, hey.. baby, shh... what's - what's wrong?'', he asked and immediately sat down next to him. He wrapped one arm around Harry's waist and looked at him. Harry turned his face around and stared with his emerald eyes into the blue ones that Louis had.

''C-Call Dan.'', were the words that made Louis' stomach flip. He swallowed and nodded. Was someone in an accident? Or did something happen to his siblings? Was something with grandma?

He imagined bad things, really, really bad things. But what he didn't expect, was the worst.

''Dan?'', he asked when he heard that it stopped ringing and there was only loud breathing in his ear.''L-Louis?'', Dan asked. He sounded like his voice was broken from... crying?

''Dan, what's going on? Why is Harry sitting here with tears running down his cheeks and telling me to call you?'', Louis asked and rubbed soothing circles onto Harry's back. He knew that Harry loved his family as much as his own. And whenever something happened in Louis' family, he was the first one of the both of worry. Don't get Louis wrong, he's just used to his sisters pulling at each other's hair and screaming at each other. Harry wasn't though.

Dan breathed out shakily.

''D-Dan?''.

''Jay. She's-'', he stopped and inhaled loudly. Louis was suddenly feeling very, very sick.''Mummy?'', he asked with a high pitched voice.''Wh-What's with mummy? Is she okay? Can I talk to her?''.

''Louis, mum got diagnosed with leukemia today.''.

 

And the only noise in the home of the curly head and the blue eyed man that day, was the loud bang of a phone hitting the ground and a worried ' _L-Lou?'_.

 

.

 

Harry was frustrated. Louis had been sitting in their bed for nearly three days now, not getting up without having the excuse to take a wee. His hair was greasy and the bags under his eyes weren't only bags anymore. 

Why Harry isn't in the same situation you ask?

It's another thing when it's your own mum. Harry was very sad in the beginning too, but he was the first one to find hope again that Johanna would be surviving. I mean, so many people beat cancer. Why not Jay too?

He put down a cup of tea next to Louis, who looked up at him with dull eyes. It broke Harry's heart to see his Louis like this. He sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Louis' tears roll down the face of that beautiful man again. 

Harry looked at the floor and then up at Louis.''She called you today.'', he said. Louis didn't move. Harry shifted a bit and tried to have eye contact with Louis, but it didn't work.''She wanted... um... she wanted to know if you want to visit her at the hospital tomorrow? Everyone else is going too..''.

No answer. Louis just simply stared at Harry. 

After three minutes of silence, Harry got up and kissed Louis' head.''She will be a strong fighter and end up healthy again.'', he whispered and looked at Louis. Louis teared up even more.

They spent the night in each other's arms. And a little whisper came through.

''I want to see her.''.

.

The next day, Louis was waiting for Harry in the car. He wasn't sure if he would be able to drive, so Harry would be driving after a while now. Louis actually didn't want Harry to drive since he's pregnant and his pregnancy brain could mess up things and cause an accident. But today, he couldn't care less about some hormones messing his husband's brain up. He wanted to see his mummy. And hold her. And tell her everything will be fine.

Harry sat down on the driver seat and sighed.''Sorry, I had to use the bathroom. Baby bean was-'', he looked over at Louis and his face fell when he saw the emotionless expression on his face. It probably wasn't a good idea to talk to him about the baby now.

They didn't speak much on the ride. Actually, Louis did not speak at all. Harry only whispered to himself that many people should stop driving cars because they're too stupid for it.

When they arrived at the hospital, the whole Tomlinson family was already there, waiting for Harry and Louis to arrive.

''Hi, Lou...'', Lottie mumbled lovingly as they hugged each other. Louis gave her a weak smile and looked around. Hugs were given, kisses were pressed to each other's cheeks. 

And then they saw her on the bed, sleeping peacefully. Everyone could take it. Everyone looked at her with a frown. But Louis couldn't take. He gripped onto Harry's hands and started to breathe unevenly. Harry looked at him worriedly, then up at his family.''Excuse us..'', he mumbled and left the room with Louis.

Loud sobs were escaping Louis' mouth as they sat down in the lobby. Harry looked at him with sad eyes. He also teared up at just seeing Louis like this.

His sunshine was hidden behind thick rain drops. 

 

''S-She's really sick.'', Louis sniffled when he calmed a bit. Harry sighed and stroked through Louis' hair and kissed his temples.''My m-mummy is sick, H-Haz.'', he sobbed and it felt like there wasn't any room for air left in his lungs. Louis sounded like a little boy, and that broke Harry's heart even more. Harry wiped away his own tears and wrapped his arms around Louis.''She'll be healthy soon, Louis..'', he tried to soothe him.

The door of Jay's room opened.''Lou, she's awake.'', Lottie said with a little smile on her lips. Louis looked up at Harry, who gave him a reassuring hug and then let him walk into the room. He sighed and got up too, following his husband.

When he saw Johannah, he noticed how hard she was trying not to cry when her whole family was standing in front of her in this very hospital room.

''S-so-''.''The doctor said it looks bad.'', she interrupts her husband. Louis teared up again. Jay looked at the floor and then at Harry. She smiled a bit.''Hello, Harry..'', she said and looked up at the young man. Harry approached her bed and smiled back, tears in his eyes too.''H-Hi, Jay...'', he said quietly, scared that he might start crying again. She ran a hand over Harry's stomach with a smile.''This is so crazy... I'm going to be a grandma.'', she said and smiled widely now. Harry let out a teary laugh. And he didn't know why, but that laugh hurt him more than the crying.

 

It was silent again on their way back home. Louis was just staring out of the window and Harry was concentrating on the street.

''Daisy said, she wants us to come over to watch home videos next week.'', Harry spoke up. Louis looked at him and thought for a moment.

''Okay.''.

.

When Harry came home from a doctor's appointment, he found Louis sitting in front of their tv and staring at the screen. He walked around the couch to see what was on the screen. And it was the video of Louis' first day on this earth, Jay holding him proudly in her arms. Louis apparently had paused it and just stared at it. 

Harry got out of his jacket.''How long have you been sitting here like this now?'', he asked and sat down next to Louis. Louis shrugged.''Don't know... three hours...'', he whispered. Harry's heart dropped and he frowned. He pulled Louis into a hug, expecting him to cry, but he didn't. 

He got up again, walked towards his bag that he had put on the counter when he came inside. He pulled out a little paper and walked over to the sofa again. He sat down next to Louis again with a small smile. He looked at the sonogram in his hands and then at Louis. 

Louis didn't expect Harry to hand him the little sonogram. And Harry didn't expect Louis' face to light up that way again. He hadn't seen Louis like this for such long time. 

''Baby...'', Louis whispered and stroked his thumb over the little fetus on the sonogram. Harry teared up this time, being overwhelmed with feeling loved.

The sonogram would always be tucked away safely in Louis' nightstand and he would press a kiss to the surface of the picture every night before crying himself to sleep.

.

Two months passed. And the two months weren't boring at all. Just because they were skipped in this story, it didn't mean Louis' heart wasn't bleeding as much as it did before. It didn't mean, Jay wasn't hurting. It didn't mean the medication was helping. It didn't mean, Harry wasn't crying often enough about how his husband didn't give him a goodnight kiss anymore, even though he knew that he shouldn't be asking for that from Louis in this situation. And it didn't mean that their whole family wasn't scared of the whole future. No, it didn't mean shit.

Louis felt like he was drowning. Drowning in a deep sea of his mother's blood.

And that also were the words he said to Harry while they were cooking one day.

''I'm drowning.''.

Harry turned his head around and looked at him confusedly. He tucked one loose curl behind his own ear and looked at his husband.''Louis, we're in the kitchen, not under the shower.'', he said and felt his back starting to hurt. It wasn't comfortable to stand for such long time while being seven months along. 

He turned away again, when Louis didn't say another word. He jumped a bit though, when he felt two strong arms wrapped around his body. One hand on the currently big bump which their baby was growing inside of and the other hand on his side.

''I'm drowning... but... you make me feel safe. Even when I'm drowning.'', Louis whispered into Harry's ears. And if he would say, he didn't tear up at that, he would be lying to both everyone and himself.

 

They visited Jay a few days later. It was harder to see her now. Her hair was gone. She was going through chemotherapy even though the doctors didn't have much hope. She was sure she wasn't going to survive this, but Louis was. And Harry too. Everyone of the siblings and of course, Dan. But she just _knew_.

''Hi mum..'', Louis said and approached the tired woman, who was laying on the bed. She looked so exhausted and just.. not Jay. Jay always was full of energy, wanted to help everyone. And by now, her hands were cold and everything was nearly bones. She wasn't healthy. Not at all. 

''Louis, my darling..'', she said with a scratchy voice. The vomiting was irritating her throat madly.

Harry smiled when he walked into the room. She saw him and her face lit up.''Come here, Harold! Grandma wants to check on her little grandchild.'', she said and that actually made Harry giggle. Everything was always so sad and just... hard. But it was nice to just smile and laugh for a few seconds sometimes. It made him feel like everything wasn't going totally wrong.

She put her hand on Harry's bump and when she frowned, there was a strong kick. Her face lit up and she looked at Harry. Harry smiled down at her.

''Did they kick?'', Louis asked confusedly and Jay nodded quickly. Louis widened his eyes and put his hand on Harry's bump too. He teared up when he felt the little feet kicking against his palm. And here they were. His dying mother and his living husband and child... bonding. 

 

One evening, Harry came out of the bathroom and entered the bedroom. Louis was sitting on the bed, quiet tears running down his cheeks. Harry's face softened and he frowned.''Love..'', he mumbled and crawled into bed next to him. 

''M-Mummy is dying...'', Louis whispered.

And that was when Harry realized, that this was serious. Because if Louis wouldn't believe in her anymore... then who would?

 

.

 

_''Louis! You have to come here!'', Lottie's voice echoed through the white walls of the hospital._

_Louis heard her voice_ _and he immediately started running down the empty halls of the hospital. He felt like he was running in slow-motion._

_It felt like he took ages to arrive at his destination._

_Laughing was heard, voices were speaking._

_Gurgling._

_Louis walked into a room full of colors._

_And there they were. Harry was lying on the bed in a hospital gown, his whole family surrounding the bed._

_Harry looked up and smiled at Louis._

_Daisy, Lottie... everyone turned around._

_And then, his mother entered the room with a little bundle in her arms. Louis teared up and smiled widely._

_She handed the little bundle to him with a huge grin on her face._

_Everything felt so unreal, it was like... a dream. Everyone was smiling so brightly._

_And Jay had her long hair back and looked healthy!_

_''Louis, I'm proudly introducing you to-''._

_''Louis.''._

_The blue eyed man furrowed his eyebrows._

_''Louis.''._

_''_ Louis!'', Harry snapped his fingers in front of Louis' face as the man was daydreaming.

Louis jumped a bit and looked around. He was in the hospital, visiting his mum. They were currently going through cute baby clothing that Harry had bought and Jay wanted to see. It was gender-neutral of course. They wanted to be surprised with the gender. But they were sure, it's a boy.

''Hm, what?'', Louis asked and looked at his chuckling mother.''You were away for a while, darling. What was going on in your head?'', Harry asked. 

Louis thought for a moment. Yeah... what's going on in his head?

''Happiness.''.

.

An owl sang her most favorite song in the october night, where Louis woke up from another nightmare. He felt sweaty and there were stains of tears on his cheeks. He sighed and got out of his bed, glancing at Harry for a second. He was peacefully sleeping. Louis frowned. Harry was supporting him so much and he felt like he was barely there for his husband.

He pressed a kiss to Harry's forehead and then rubbed his bump a little. Their little one was sleeping, just like Harry. He decided to let his two precious diamonds sleep and walked into the kitchen.

He got out some milk and warmed it up in the microwave. He put some honey into it and then walked over to the window. He sat down on the windowsill, surprised that it didn't break under his weight since its very fragile actually.

Louis sipped on his warm milk, something that he had been drinking every time he had a nightmare in his entire life. Ever since he was a little...

_''No, no! Not... no! Monster!'', little six year old Louis jolted awake and looked around. He had a nightmare and teared up. He got up to walk past the nursery of his little sisters Lottie and Felicite._

_He sneaked into his mother's bedroom and looked at her sleeping body. Little Louis frowned and was about to leave since he would feel bad for waking his mummy up. But then he heard her soft voice speaking.''Louis, darling... had a nightmare?'', she whispered and Louis nodded. She didn't even see him nodding in the dark, but still got up to pick him up and carry him into the kitchen._

_He always felt safe in his mother's arms._

_She sat him down on the counter and kissed his forehead.''Mum has something for you that you can drink and it will avoid monster-dreams and any other nightmare!'', she explained. Louis widened his eyes.''Why didn't you give me that earlier, mummy?'', he asked. She looked around as if they were being listened too.''As soon as you drink it every night, it stops working.'', she whispered as if it it was a secret._

_Louis nodded. That was logical._

_She made warm milk with honey, two cups. One for her and one for him.''Mummy, did you have a monster-dream too?'', Louis asked as she picked him up and sat him down on the windowsill. She sat down on it too, it was very large and able to handle them.''Yes.'', she just simply answered and sipped on the warm milk._

_Louis looked outside and stared at the_ _sky.''Mummy, why are there so many stars in the sky?'', he asked. Jay looked up and sipped on her milk again.''The stars are our loved ones. As soon as they leave this world... they turn into a star and watch us at night. Sometimes they even keep the monster-dreams away, but sometimes it doesn't work. They're protecting us and looking down at us.'', she explained._

_''Mummy?''._

_''Yes?''._

_''Will you protect me from monster-dreams when you turn into a star?''._

_Jay smiled._

_''I promise.''._

 

''Couldn't sleep?'', Harry asked when he waddled into the kitchen. Louis' head snapped into the direction of the doorframe, where Harry was standing.''You still drink that milk with honey, huh?''. 

Louis shrugged and looked outside, a dog ran through the streets. Harry sighed and sat down on the chair next to him with a little groan. It was hard to sit down with a big bump now.

''You dreamt about her again, right?'', Harry asked. Louis teared up and looked at Harry.''It hurts, Harry.'', he started sniffling. Harry looked at him with a sad look in his eyes and hugged him tightly. Tears ran down Louis' cheeks, as he looked outside of the window, hoping his mum would turn into the brightest stars of all when it was her time.

.

Louis and Harry were lying in bed, both their hands running over Harry's bump as they felt their child kick. They giggled every time they felt the little feet.

''If it's a boy, I want him to be called Edward'', Louis said.''Edward? Ew, that's a weird name.'', he said and scrunched his nose up.''But it's also your second name.'', Louis said and raised one eyebrow. Harry sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically.''Yeah, but William sounds better.''. Louis shook his head.''Definitely not.''.

They both were silent for a moment.

''What about... Jason?'', Louis asked and Harry shook his head.''No! Not possible!'', he said. 

Louis groaned.''You're so stubborn.'', he said.''We're both stubborn though. I know that.'', Harry protested and got an arm-smack from Louis for that.

''Ow!'', he exclaimed.

''We're naming him Edward. End of discussion.''.

 

Louis visited his mother the next day. And he was shocked when he saw in what bad condition she was. 

He started feeling like it would be better for her to get released from all this pain. This wasn't his mum, this was a sick version of her, which would never be the same. And he didn't wanted to remember his mom in this way. This sick, weak way. No, he wanted to keep her in mind as a strong fighter, a woman who never stopped believing in herself and her family.

Harry wasn't with him today, which made Jay frown.''Hey, where is Harry?'', she asked.''I'm happy I'm visiting you too.'', Louis said jokingly. Jay rolled her eyes.''I wanted to see how my grandchild is feeling.'' she said.''Healthy, kicking around very much.'', he said.

Jay smiled widely.''Babies are so cute and just... a miracle.'', she said.''Yeah, yeah indeed.'', he mumbled and smiled when he thought back to the moment where they first found out Harry's pregnant.

_''Does two lines mean knocked up or not?'', Harry asked and furrowed his_ _eyebrows.''Two lines? Hm, I don't know... I'm not a professional in this kind of subject.'', Louis replied.''Louis, your mum had seven kids. You're one of them. And you don't know how a positive pregnancy test looks like?'', Harry asked, he couldn't believe his husband._

_Louis shook his head and Harry laughed._

_And then they saw it on the package._

_''Lou...'', he whispered.''Haz...''._

_They both smiled at each other._

_''It's positive.''._

 

That was the best day in both their lives. Louis smiled proudly.

''If someone would ask me what the greatest decision in my life was...'', he said and looked at his mum.''I would say Harry.''.

Jay smiled widely at her son.''And also knocking him up.'', he added and Jay laughed a bit. She laughed. Louis' face softened when she heard her laugh for the first time in like... forever?

.

 

''Louis, can I tell you something?'', she asked one night when Louis visited her.

''Yes, mom?''.

''My only and last wish... is to hold my grandchild in my arms.'', she whispered.

Louis smiled at her.

''I promise you, that will happen.

...

 

.

It was Wednesday, 3rd of December when Harry went into labor. 

He was lying on the hospital bed now, breathing loudly as they prepared the delivery. Louis held onto his hand.

''You're so strong, baby.'', he whispered and Harry looked at him with a tired smile. Harry was fully dilated, because they drove to the hospital a bit too late. He was ready now and in a few minutes they would be meeting their little child.

It would all be so perfect, if Dan wouldn't try to call him every ten seconds.''Please turn that off.'', the nurse said. Louis sighed and turned his phone off.

He put it away and paid all of his attention back on Harry. He kissed his forehead again.''You can do it, I know you can.''. Harry smiled at him, but then another contraction hit him and he let out a loud 'ahhh, fuck!'.

The doctor smiled at us.''We're ready to begin now. Okay, Harry. When I say you push, then you push, okay?'', he asked and Harry nodded.''Okay, then... push!''.

Louis watched his husband's face turn read as he screamed and his back arched a bit.''Good, keep pushing! Just keep pushing until I tell you to stop.'', the doctor said.

Harry nearly broke Louis' hand, but then he could finally stop for a moment and breathe properly. Louis was beyond proud of him.''You're doing this so good, love... making me so proud...'', he said.

Harry was in the middle of screaming when another nurse came in.''Louis Tomlinson?'', she asked. Louis' head snapped up. What's wrong now?

''Yeah?'', he asked.''A... Daniel Deakin has been calling several times now.'', she said. Harry let out another scream and Louis looked at the nurse while holding onto Harry's hand.''He said, your mother didn't make it.''. 

The doctor turned to look at the nurse.''Not good timing!'', he said loudly and the nurse quietly exited the room.

Louis stared at the spot where the nurse had been standing just a few seconds ago.

His mother was dead. He felt like he was in a trance, a-

A loud wail snapped him back into reality and he turned his head around to look at the doctor, who was holding a screaming little baby. It was covered in gooey stuff and blood. The doctor asked him to cut the cord and he absentmindedly did it.

He looked at Harry, who was trying to calm down and then at the doctor who was in front of him. The doctor handed the baby to him and he looked down. 

Louis stared into the baby's face.''It's a healthy little girl.''.

The baby squirmed a bit, but then opened her eyes. And when he looked into her eyes, he could hear a familiar voice in the back of his head, singing his favorite goodnight-song.

_''Hush now, my baby_

_Be still, love, don't cry_

_Sleep as you're rocked by the stream_

_Sleep and remember my last lullaby''_

'' _So I'll be with you when you dream'', Jay sang and stroked over her son's forehead and smiled._

_Louis looked at her._

_''I love you mummy.'', he said and yawned.''I love you too, loubear.'', she said and looked at Louis._

Louis stared at the reflection of his mother in his inner eye and held onto the bundle in his arms.

''I will never stop loving you, mummy...'', he whispered as he looked at her fading silhouette in the doorframe.

.

**_3rd of Wednesday, 2020_ **

 

''Where are we going, mummy?'', little Jay asked. Harry smiled down at her and held her little hand in his big one. He looked up at Louis, who was staring at the flowers in his hands.

''We're gonna go visit grandma.'', Harry said and smiled.

They approached the gravestone. Johannah's name was written on it beautifully and Louis teared up at the sight, even though he knew this place for nearly 4 years now. He put down the flowers in front of her grave.

''Hi mummy... it's loubear.'', he said and smiled a bit.''Um...'', he looked around and then raised his one eyebrow.''Remember when you promised me you would protect me from monster-dreams when you are a star up there?'', he asked and looked at the sky. 

It was at night, so they could see the night sky clearly. 

''I hope you're doing that right now.'', he said and chuckled a bit.

 

And eventually, in that moment, the brightest one of them all sparkled as brightly as possible.

 

''I love you mummy.''

 

_''I love you too, Loubear.''._

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading.
> 
> (this is so bad im so sorry. sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes im tired)


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